A Study in Starlets

Superman: He’s Just Like Us!

This is going to be super brief, and I’m sorry for that, because we have seriously been slacking off. To make up for the half-assedness, it will feature obscenely attractive people.

I saw these pictures last night, and they need comments:



  •  Yes, New Superman is stupid hot, even if he is essentially Gaston. If I were in that grocery store parking lot, I would swoon and sing “He’s such a tall, dark, strong, and handsome brute.” I suddenly understand why my roommate is embarrassed to be seen with me.


  • Yes, I’m partially jealous, b/c I wish I could look so effortlessly chic when I go to the grocery store instead of Toked Up Half-Asleep Tween, which is the look I usually rock. Though I know that “effortlessness” took 2 hours of planning, which leads me to…


  • This is a tirade for another day, but when did we start accepting these grossly staged publicity photos as reality?

Some Unnecessary Background Information:

So, my sister and I have this long-standing ambition for me to be a celebrity reporter. Not a legitimate one, but the douchiest one possible. We want someone to have the idiocy to put me in a room with Megan Fox to ask about her role as “Bitch” in Mary Kate and Ashley‘s “Holiday in the Sun” (I maintain that this is the worst MK&A movie to date). OR pitch my brilliant idea for “George of the Jungle 2” to suddenly respected actor Brendan Fraser (I would share what this is, but I will never give up hope that it might somehow get made, so I can’t risk it).

TO WIT– Until someone gets drunk and hires me to do a job I’m woefully unqualified for and plan to make a (light) mockery of, I’ve decided the only way to find the answers to my dickish questions is to write the stars directly.  For this particular example:

This is embarrassingly fake looking, even by like, Heidi and Spencer staged paparazzi photo standards

This is embarrassingly fake looking, even by Heidi and Spencer staged paparazzi photo standards

Dear New Superman,

I saw these pictures of you on the interwebs. I don’t mean to call you out on this, but this has got to be the fakest celebrity relationship I’ve ever seen. And while I’m sure Kaley Cuoco is lovely, you should be more ambitious with your publicity romances. Does anyone even watch the Big Bang Theory anymore? What’s ScarJo’s situation nowadays? Because she’s a good get for you.

More importantly, I noticed you two are buying just a Bonkers amount of groceries. My friend says it’s because you are probably throwing a party, but I think it’s because now that you are Superman, you need to eat 4 Dozen Eggs every morning to help you get large. Could you please write back and tell me who is right?


A Fan

PS– I love that you are wearing Superman colors IRL, because now I’m so persuaded you ARE Superman, I don’t know if I can ever learn your real name.

PSS– I think I’m one of 6 people that watched “I Capture the Castle” — you were lovely, truly. I also watched “Tristan and Isolde” and I have never laughed harder. But as I recall, that was less your fault and more the fault of the iron hand.

To all that knew the Beauty and the Beast references off the tops of their heads– I love you.


4 thoughts on “Superman: He’s Just Like Us!

  1. I totally got the beauty and the beast reference. I was in class (because all I ever do in class is online shop and Facebook stalk) and laughed out loud. Oops.

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