Guess what everyone? There’s a severe STD epidemic sweeping the nation. Happy Day After Valentines Day, America! Now, blame this on the sexual revolution, blame the declining morality of US, blame the state of sex education, but me? I blame 90s R&B music.
90s R&B and Hip-Hop music is RAUNCHY. There is just no other word for it. And it is raunchy is the most overt way. So for your listening/reading pleasure, I’m doing a quick ranking of confusing/disgusting/creeptastic lyrics from your favorite 90s sex jams.
Here’s something fun I learned today. Not only is this song terrible, it is also really really date-rapey. This situation does not seem consensual, Color Me Badd. Also, that is not how phones work. Does Color Me Badd call people just so strangers can listen to their goings-on? Or are you disconnecting the phone so that there’s no calling the police? Either way, CREEPER.
9) “I’ll let you touch it if you’d/Like to go down/I’ll let you go further/If you take the southern route,” “Red Light Special” TLC:
Never mind the fact that the title of the song implies that the members of TLC are prostitutes. If someone said the term “southern route” to me in any situation not related to navigating a schooner, it would be bitchslap time.
Let’s put this out there first off. The title is my favorite euphemism for sex ever. BUT I’m starting to pick up that people’s sexual egos in the 90s were crazy inflated. “Mounts of pleasure”?
7) “I can even play with another body/But it wouldn’t last ’cause I’m a freak,” “Freek’n You” Jodeci:
Jodeci, when trying to seduce a woman whose body is “so freek’n tight”, talking about how you could bone other “bodies” (gross by itself in a really necrophilic way), but it wouldn’t last because you are just too freaky isn’t the best way to go about it. PS– Just spell Freak the appropriate way.
6) “Slide em across from New York down by your Virginia/Ticklin’ you around Delaware before I enter…/Now since you got the body of the year, come and get the award/Here’s a hint, it’s like a long sharp sword, “Rump Shaker” Wreckx ‘N’ Effect:
While I appreciate the geography lesson, Oh My God, Wreckx ‘N’ Effect. This made me vomit a little in my mouth. And please, keep your genital weaponry far far away. It sounds like the makings of a gore/porn movie. But points for subtlety in your “hint.”
5) “Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny/And my dick runs deep, so deep/So deep put her ass to sleep,” “It Was A Good Day,” Ice Cube:
And here is my point about the inflated 90s ego. She fell asleep during sex, Ice Cube. You didn’t cause a pleasure coma with your skills or your wang.
4) “I love the taste of whip cream (Hey)/Spread it on, don’t be mean (Baby, don’t be mean)…/Let me lick you up and down till you say stop,” “Freak Me,” Silk:
Forever Unclean. Too much licking— and if she’s spreading the whip cream on you, why are YOU doing the licking? UGH it all seems sooo sticky. I hate this so much.
3) “I wonder if she could tell I’m hard right now, hmmm/Yeah, come on, dance for me baby, ha ha, yeah…/Step back you’re dancing kinda close/I feel a little poke coming through” “Too Close,” Next:
GAH. Yes, she can tell. Back off, you perv. This song makes me think of the creepy white nerd at frat parties that got wasted on Mike’s Hard Limes and suddenly thinks he’s got the game of Usher. They still use this song for “sexy dance times,” but I’m mentally wincing right now.
In reality, this list would be made entirely of Salt ‘N’ Pepa and R. Kelly lyrics, but I felt like some others needed their moment in the sun. I know that “Push It” probably seems dirtier, but “Shoop” is a wealth of filthiness. And AGAIN with the licking! Was that really “in” in the 90s?
1) “It’s like Murder She Wrote/Once I get you out the clothes,” “Ignition (Remix)”, R. Kelly:
Hand on a Bible, I have accosted strangers to ask what this means. Here are the 3 most plausible theories:
a) R. gets a sexy lady with a 20 year old face, gets her naked, and finds she has the body of a 75 year old. Says no thanks to the sex.
b) R. meets a sexy lady, sexes her up, but falls asleep out of boredom (like when watching Murder She Wrote)
c) R. meets a sexy lady, sexes her up so good it kills her. Then a 75 year old white lady with a typewriter and a bicycle has to solve Sexy Lady‘s murder.
I feel like R. Kelly could mean any of these. Clearly, I will never get a satisfying answer except from R. Kelly himself. And if I ever did meet him, I would be too full of questions to focus on that one. Like “Who is ‘You Remind Me Of My Jeep?’ about?” or “Seriously? Bump & Grind AND “Bangin’ on the Headboard? Settle down, dude.”
And now that I’ve ruined the songs of my childhood by looking up the lyrics, I hope you all enjoyed your V-Day. Remember– No Glove, No Love. Or even better,
“Don’t Rush (Take Love Slowly)”: K-Ci & Jo Jo want you to know– all sex leads to horrible things.