A Study in Starlets

Gwyneth Paltrow vs. The (Real) World

There is a land called Delusionville, and Gwyneth Paltrow is its queen.

Anyone who has perused (or devoured, if you are like me) Gwyneth’s blog can attest to this. Goop.com is nothing short of a freak show, and GP is the main attraction. She doesn’t really seem to know how delightfully foolish she is, which I suppose could be sad, but I find it delicious. She’ll just casually drop such bombs as, “Steven Spielberg is a pretty good director, you might have heard of him. When I was seventeen he asked me to be in Hook [his film about Peter Pan] one night when we were all driving to a movie.” Goop! (There It Is)

According to Goop’s mission statement, GP created the site to help other women “save time, simplify and feel inspired.” Oh, Gwyneth. You simple, beautiful water nymph. I have gathered several topics she feels justified giving completely unfounded advice about. Please take a moment to compare life, The Human Way (because GP’s a cyborg) vs. The Gwyneth Way.

COOKING

The Human Way

photo credit: Fabulous & Frugal

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: goop

QUICK AND EASY SNACKS

The Human Way

photo credit: Created by Diane

photo credit: Children of the 90s

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: Goop

photo credit: Goop

What does Gwyn nibble on when she needs a quick fix?

-avocado on rice cracker

-spicy tuna on crispy rice

What…you don’t? Commoner.

NEW YORK DINING

The Human Way

photo source: Midtown Lunch

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: New York Magazine

Elio’s is one of my all-time favorite places in the world. The food is sort of classic Italian by way of New York. It’s got a great uptown, old-school vibe where you rub shoulders with the likes of Joan Didion, Charles Gwathmey and Jerry Seinfeld. The waiters, who I have known almost my entire life, don’t even give me a menu.

Me too!

FAT DAYS

The Human Way

photo credit: tumblr

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: Goop

The 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards begin, hosted by Jane Lynch from Glee! I live for Tina Fey and I love Kenneth from 30 Rock! Wait … why does my arm look like that and since when do I have 9 chins?

Yes. Yes you do have 9 chins.

VISITING CHINA

The Human Way

photo credit: hostelz.com

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: Goop

Finally get to the hotel to freshen up after the flight. I stay at the Park Hyatt which is truly fantastic … The food there is great as is my room and the massage I have as a pre-performance treat.

Just as Mao intended it.

USING NOUNS AS VERBS

The Human Way

photo credit: Urban Dictionary

photo credit: Urban Dictionary

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: cmorton

P.S. Urban Dictionary has some very interesting (read: disgusting) definitions of “goop”, and none of them involve GP. 1 point for the humans!

CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR MEN

The Human Way

photo credit: Poundland

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

photo credit: Mulberry

$1,395, Mulberry Weekend Bag, Small Clipper in chocolate natural leather: This stylish carry-all is perfect for any man in your family.

GIRL’S PAJAMAS

The Human Way

photo credit: Kmart

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

SummerLoungewear

Summer loungewear, $82 (Apple’s favorite)

TRAVELING

The Human Way

photo credit: kait-photojournalist.blogspot.com

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

012_3

Gwyneth’s Packing Tip:

Tightly roll casual trousers, t -shirts and shorts – this also minimizes wrinkling. (Naturally, we don’t advise this for evening wear or designer dress suits.)

Naturally.

MAKING YOUR BED

The Human Way

photo credit: Trip Advisor

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

beds_05

AIRPLANES

The Human Way

photo credit: Pacsafe Blog

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

001

DORKINESS

The Human Way

photo credit: ilovestickyrice.com

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

firstshot

On her Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot:

I’m not used to this look so it takes a minute to not feel like a dork.

DISPUTING RUMORS

The Human Way

photo credit: Twitter

photo credit: Twitter

photo credit: Twitter

photo credit: Twitter

photo credit: Twitter

vs.

The Gwyneth Way

I don’t normally address false reporting in the media but this week I would like to clarify something. Last week, The New York Times inferred that I used a ghostwriter on my cookbook, My Father’s Daughter, which to me means someone else wrote the recipes and the text. That is not the case.

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